Pulled

I feel like in the next year or so, I'm going to have to make a pretty big decision and I'm worried that I may regret it. Does one just stay in an ill-fitting yet familiar therefore comfortable spot or do you run the risk of falling flat on your face (again) and just move forward?

When I moved 'home' to Virginia I knew I was making a decision to deviate from the very quiet path I had been on. It was a very conscious decision that I made, one that involved a list of pros and cons. I felt that it wouldn't be a forever deviation. Mostly it was for financial reasons and it was just purely that I needed to be a grown up and embarking upon what could have been a very tentative career path in Massage Therapy was not the most logical step at that time. I didn't know and was very unprepared for how much this career choice would affect me. I have been stretched, pulled, pushed and bent to capacities I did not know I had within me. I've learned much that I didn't know I was even capable of knowing. It's a pretty big difference between doing yoga and massage and being the beck and call sales girl for various lawyers. I felt more spiritually apt and more right in myself doing what I was doing. I felt more 'ME' and way more in balance. I had gone in that direction because it brought peace and was fairly stress free. Now I try to meditate in the morning and I can't stop thinking about what I might get yelled at for during the coming work day.
This has not been a 'job' at all, it is most definitely a career path. Is it one I want to stay on though? With almost any other job I've had in the past, they have been exactly that: a job. Cutoff time is at 5, folks. Work stays at work and I go live my life. This has been entirely different and it never ends at 5 no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I've tried. In the beginning it was tough because of, shall we say, communication differences between myself and others in my office. I'm very polite and try to practice loving kindness in whatever I may do; I don't believe in emailing people and telling them they're stupid. And then there were things such as being constantly emailed during my best friend's wedding weekend and my uncle's funeral and berated if I did not answer in a timely fashion. Now, I'm not a crier but I spent about the first 10 months of this job crying. There are no such things as mistakes here which is really tough when you have no idea what you're doing. It was obvious from the beginning that I was perhaps ill suited to this job. So leaving here has been in the back of my mind since I began. All the previous mentions of panic inducing misery are not all that this has been about though. Not that any of the aforementioned should be seen as pure complaint; they've merely been stepping stones. I am grateful to be employed when so many are not. I consider myself fortunate to have come into this. I believe everything and everyone enters your life for a reason and this is certainly one of those things. As I've said before, I've learned a lot. While my boss may be tough and expect 150% even when you can't give it, I deeply admire her. I admire everything that she gives up for this company and the fight that she has put up to get to where she is. She makes me want to know more and always improve, never settle for mediocrity from myself or anyone around me. But can you imagine what all those lessons would be like combined with doing something I love?
When I first found out I was pregnant, my first thought was that I was never going to get to finish my degree in Interior Design. My first thought other than 'Shit. Shit. Shit. I was about to leave this asshat.' Mrs. P and I talk often of what a catalyst Douche Nozzle has been in my life (and hers). I feel like I've had a year of catalysts and if I try to jump more hurtle, I'm going to get hung on it and face plant on the pavement, people. Between this job and that relationship and the loss that came during it, I'm pretty baked. It's been an incredible year though, and I feel like for the first time in my life I'm actually internalizing and processing all of life's little lesson. I feel like I finally know what I want and it's time to stop wasting time. I made it out to the other side of all of these obstacles and promised myself that I was not going to have anymore 'what-if's' or potential regrets. There would be no more moments of, 'holy crap, I'm never going to get to...' Interior Design has been my first love - other than cheese - since I was little. I would rearrange furniture in the house when I was 4. I always hear that you should follow your passion and for the longest time I swore that I could not figure out what I was passionate about. All the while I would be talking someone's ear off about design and architecture. I felt I always had to do something that was of benefit to the world; to make it a better place. My first major in college was Forensic Psychology. I have a strange fascination with deranged people and the why of what they do. After I was raped, staying in that major seemed a like a fate that would be filled with daily trauma and reminders. I'm still not always certain how design will make the world a better place, but I know that no one has ever complained about things being beautiful.

All of that to say I'm going back to school and I have no idea how I'm going to do that and keep this job.