Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

I think it's common knowledge men don't really like to talk about past relationships. I'm not entirely certain what they're thinking about this - I don't have a penis, therefore I draw no conclusions. Perhaps they think jealous frenzies will occur or that we are looking for dirt, something to hold against them in a future battle of wills. We are after all, according to Dane Cook, brain ninjas. My reasoning is so much simpler than all that... I want to know where you've been to see what you've learned. The past is the past. More than likely you aren't that person any longer. I know I'm not even the same girl I was last week. My point is though that you do that funny thing you do in bed because of a previous girlfriend. I don't take it up the ass because of Mr. X. Because really? I did that already for years. I may still have some bitterness towards the man, but I learned a lot of lessons and those lessons will directly affect any realtionship I have. I don't mean that I have 'trust issues' because dude was a lying jackass. That seems unwarranted to take out on another human being. Any trust issues I have with that person should stay solely with that person. Will I ever blatantly ignore obvious signs of things that do not need to be swept under a rug? No. Have I learned to ask the seemingly stupid question? Yes.
So when I ask about the ex, I' m not looking for gory details. I'm looking for the story behind the gory details. The why of it all. I know one previous person I went out with broke up with someone after 7 seven years. Why? Because he was bored. Now I'm betting there is more to it than that, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt. But truly, the moment I heard that I thought to myself, 'Self. Now would be a good time to run. This is not going to end well.' Sidenote: I totally need to listen to my inside voice more because it was totally right. That moment that he told me he ended it because of boredom I kind of wanted to hit him with a wiffle ball bat dosed with reality. I doubt with great seriousness that I am any more realistic than the next woman, but I know that certain things happen in relationships. One of them is boredom. You ride it out. I knew in the brief second time span that it took him to say the word 'boredom', that this was not a man who saw things out, and I know that that is something I want in another person.
Next time a date, a potential significant other, asks about the ex - please don't assume we're insane. Some of us are, yes. I concur. Some of us, however, are simply deciding if we'd like to put forth the effort to be your brain ninja for life.

The Visionary Vagina

Today a woman from a doctor's office came into my work place to do some cross marketing. What kind of doctor you ask? Why a cosmetic gynecologist, of course. This is my life we're talking about and only the most ridiculous things can happen to me. So, yes. Plastic surgery for your vajayjay. Labia lift anyone? We are truly people who fix anything we can in this western culture of ours. So, anyway, in addition to those wacky things she also offers something called a g-shot. This is a shot of collagen into your g-spot to make it more, um, noticeable? More easily found & used. Target acquired, mission accomplished. Which the theory sounds great, but I'd really hate a needle there. Plus, if I ever got that done I think I would just spend my days driving over speed bumps and cheering. I would never accomplish anything other than orgasm ever again. I'm actually okay with that part. And no, as this poor woman is explaining all of the procedures to me I absolutely could not keep a straight face. But the best part was that in addition to the brochures & business cards she gave to me there was a word search game. YAY! I love those. So, if you were the first person to finish it and fax it in, the doctor would buy you lunch. Even better, right? It turns out that all the words on the list are something to do with cosmetic procedures of the vag. Sadly, I am bored so I have made pretty quick work of it, except that I cannot find 'vagina' anywhere.

You guessed it, I have actually spent all day at work looking for pussy.

BBQ Dog

Both of my dogs have smelled something less than desirable as of late, but I have no time to bathe them right now. Also? It should mean something when I say that the cats are easier to bathe than the dogs. Insanity & days of them being pathetic will ensue. But Sarah smelled very badly of corn chips. I don't why she does, I refuse to feed her Fritos. But she has that smell. Frito Paws. Corn Chips Mahone. These are the nicknames I give her. No wonder she needs therapy.
In an effort to quickly make the smell subside I decided to just wipe her down with the doggy wipes I have. They have a watermelon smell. Do you see what is coming? She now smells like an afternoon picnic. A Southern one. Corn chips & watermelon...
She is now dubbed BBQ Dog.

The Mom

I could give you a million reasons why I love my mother, but the most evident of them all was waiting for me in my e-mail this morning.

For whatever reason, my ex had been on mind. This is not always delightful, but most times is cathartic. When we began, we were friends. Amazing friends. He also held my hand through a tremendous amount of healing. I will always have respect for him for that, it could not have been easy sometimes. So, in the beginning there was a great love. We kept that for awhile, luckier than most. What I did not know at the time was that he was so incredibly patient and able to deal with these things because he had a slight heroin addiction. Ah. That explains it. After this came to light and we went through him getting clean, our relationship went very noticeably downhill and he became someone who I cannot even begin to comprehend. Some people just are not nice when sober. Simply put, things were not good and our end was disastrous, messy and involved a lovely hospital stay for me. So, when I say that he has been on my mind I generally mean the really good guy from before, not the crazed drug addled lunatic.

I understand that when my mother hears me say, 'I've been thinking about X. I don't know why', she must want to hurt someone, something, somewhere. It's a mother's instinct. But she handles these things with grace and humor and her response to my comment was this.

"You're thinking of X?? Why? You in the mood for some more emotional/mental/physical abuse and general knocking around? I can hire someone for that....."

You know that you are truly loved when your mother is willing to hire someone to beat you down in a dark alley to give you a reminder.