So, we have passed the New Year, and mine was uneventful. Full of those promises one always makes to themselves. I'll eat more healthy food, I'll drop 10 pounds, I'll be more positive... Resolutions we call them. And generally, I'm all against them. Except this year. This year I think probably really needs some changes. I eat pretty healthy already, especially if you are willing to concede that pizza is a food group all of it's own. I need to lose 10 pounds like I need a hole in my head. But that more positive thing... I think that could use some work. Which is odd. I have always been very upbeat and a find the silver lining kinda girl - but I realize that maybe the past couple of years have taken their toll. I am perhaps more cynical than I ever expected to be and we all know that humor is my weapon of choice. Lately, it has been more of a wall to hide behind. What is that about? I will say that the last 3 months or so of 2008 really kicked my ass. And to all of those who patiently stood by holding my hand or waiting for me to retract my fangs - I say thank you. I had no idea I was being such a bitch. NONE. WHAT. SO. EVER. Not until school started back and I greeted everyone with tackling bear hugs. I heard one right after another say, 'It's good to have our old Cat back'. And did I ever feel sheepish. So yes, my aim is definitely to be a more positive person. I will still do whatever it takes to get the laughs though.
My other goal is a daunting one. One that makes my knees tremble and my breath come short and fast. I have decided to date. I twitch at the mere idea. Notably, it has been more than 3 years since my last serious relationship. Otherwise known as the last time I voluntarily did laundry for a man and called it love. And I admit, Holy Christ help me, I posted on Match. I make fun of the commercials, so I can't believe I just admitted that. I have done it before though, with no luck at all. Unless you count crazy men coming out of the woodwork for me. And what is it with thug wannabe's, men with tattoos on their necks, and very round men all loving me? I would blame online dating, but these are also the only men who ever have the balls to hit on me when I'm out. So this time, I got really specific in my little posting. I even came across as um, well kind of a bitch. And I just hit that gross men contacting me thing right then and there. I think I was fairly succinct when I said that I put an effort into taking care of myself, I would expect someone who wants to date me to do the same. Even pointing out that if you are overweight or gross by any means, I will not respond to you. Elitist, I know, but I thought it would sort the weeds out. I would be wrong. So, I suppose I may have to brave the wild blue yonder, otherwise known as the public. Crap. But in the spirit of online dating, I did find an old blog I had written on the subject and was surprised to see that it still kinda held true for me.
Recently it was suggested to me that I try the online personals approach to dating. Personally, I feel that I have no luck dating the men I meet live & up front, why would I have more luck online? For one thing, it's not like anyone tells the truth. If a guy says he's 5'10", you can be garanteed he will be 5'3". Being the Amazon that I am, I cannot take those risks with height. (Yes, I am shallow.) I think the best approach to online personals should be the same as my approach to everything: TOTAL HONESTY. This is most commonly known amongst my friends & loved ones as "My foot is so far in my mouth that my toes dangle out of my ass." See, with the total honesty approach you can forego all that nasty wooing that leaves people with a total misconception of who you really are and that wonderful sublime feeling one gets with the flush of new love. Here would be mine:
You must be sane & rational because I am not. At least not all the time. Once a month, I have mood swings like every 5 minutes and sometimes it will happen because you breathe in the wrong direction. I have issues with authority. Mainly, because I seem to think I am the authority and there are those that disagree with this. I burp in public. And when I say burp I mean like a burly 40 year old man drinking too much beer and watching football. I say I like sports, but really? I like shopping more. I think it is perfectly acceptable for me to own 25 pairs of black high heels. I think I may be a little pretentious because I actually enjoy classical music. This is balanced out by my "secret" love of Britney Spears. I have a bad sense of humor, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere and it is the way I cope. This will be particularly embarrassing to you at funerals. I make lewd jokes at tragedies. The glitch is I don't know what to say when a lewd tragedy befalls me. And they have. I am not pretty in the morning and I know this, so don't lie to me to get to have morning sex. I'll do that anyway. My biological clock hits me over the head & demands to be paid attention to. I am not good with children, but I want them anyway. I am also bad at dealing with bodily fluids, and I hear a lot of those happen with kids. You figure out where that may leave you. Really, my only great point is that I won't try to change you. I've been that girl before and it was stupid. This also means, I won't change for you, so don't try.
And with that, I bid adieu...
